The first crush

>> Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I was browsing on orkut, looking at a profile of a school friend who had pinged me. And then suddenly, I saw a profile in her scrapbook. The name seemed familiar - there was no pic. Then I saw the list of mutual friends - and it struck me! I was looking at the profile of the first ever crush of my life. It had been 10 years since I had talked with her. I had almost forgotten she even existed. And then, it all came back to me...

I was in 10th grade. Unlike the brats of today, it had just been a couple of years since the concept of 'girls' had dawned on us. That they are something you are supposed to be attracted to, and not fight with for sharing your desk-space. Yes, till 8th grade, we used sit a boy and a girl on one bench. Cruel the school system is, it went back to the boy-boy system by the time we got enlightened on the subject! When a beautiful girl used to sit right next to me the whole day at school, I would be sitting there with a permanent I-hate-girls scowl on my face. We even divided our desk space by drawing a line with the compass! And when I had a big fat boy for my desk partner after 8th, then I had this goofy I-like-girls look on my face whenever a girl talked with me! The world has a way of playing around with you...

And then there was her. The funny thing is I don't remember her before 9th. I don't know whether she was not in my class till then or she just did not register. But boy, was I smitten. The fair beautiful face, the light brown hair, and the deep brown eyes.. Yes, I was head over heels. I remember she used to be in this tuition class I took. That was one subject I really studied hard. I had to impress her with my prompt answers in class, didn't I? Now that I look back, it seems all so innocent, funny even. To put things in perspective, I think this emotional state was equivalent to today's 4th or 5th grade boy-in-love. That's how I was. Ofcourse, I could never even think in my dreams about saying anything to her regarding my feelings The concept of girlfriend-boyfriend was too alien! I would be happy the whole day if I just got to talk with her. If she laughed at my silly jokes, I would feel on top of the world. If she laughed at me, I would sulk for the rest of the day!

But it always just remained at that. My family shifted to Pune. And I lost contact with all of them. With her. Not that we had each other's phone numbers. I don't think I even had the courage to ask her for that. The fact that it was just a crush and nothing more was established when I quickly forgot about her. What with Pune having its fair share of beauties to fall for!

But there was something very innocent, very pure in my liking for this lady. It was not love, it was too shortlived for that. I guess the vile ways of the world, the expectations, the manipulations, the set ways of behaving with and expecting behaviour from girls had yet to get inscribed in my system. I was still dealing with the concept of a girl in my own peculiar way. I guess that's the reason I would never forget this particular crush. Not because I couldn't live without her or that she made a lasting impression on me. But because I dealt with my feelings for her in a peculiar tentative stuttering goofy kind of way that was just me. There were no best friends to give me 'gyaan', there was no over-exposure to TV to give me MTV love quotients. It was a teenager's first attempt to understand his own idiotic feelings. I hope I still have this peculiar tentative stuttering goofy idiot somewhere inside - I would be lost without him.

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